Tuesday, August 27, 2013

August 22, 2013 
  Today I am remembering a very beautiful boy who slipped into my life and only stayed for 63 days. June 21-August 22 and that was all. I miss him on days like this. I shut my eyes and I can see his face and feel the solid weight of him in my arms. Yeah I miss the boy. I got a hug from 1 of my boys yesterday and a phone call from my faraway boy and a memory of his brother who lives with him there in the land of endless day. I saw how precious his 10yr. old brother is who reads and laughs. I got a snuggle with the littlest boy and they all wrapped up to who I think he might have been were he here with me. I never knew missing someone for so long could feel like this. I am glad today for those golden days and for my grief road and for Heaven. Barbara Kingsolver said something pretty profound from my odd collection of quotes and my love of words. "You don't think you'll live past it and you don't really. The person you were is gone, but the half of you that's still alive wakes up one day and takes over again."

August 26, 2013 
       25 years ago at 2:30 in the morning I became mother. I was 16. I was scared. It was not a good time in my life. I was in Reno Nevada. I had gone swimming that day and gotten out because my stomach hurt. I went to the hospital later thinking maybe it was appendicitis when in reality I was in preterm labor. I had a short labor and the doctor coming was stopped by a mid-west freight train rolling through the high desert. The doctor on call came in all sleepy and Rosa flew into the crook of his arm while her water flew all over him. I had no idea. I will never forget the look on his face and he held my tiny baby up for the 1st time. She was 32 weeks. She was very sick. She was teeny tiny: down to 2 pounds 12 ounce at one point. She was a fighter. Her coming began my growing years. She is here with me today. I am forever changed. Last spring I watched her push her baby into the world and I knew the journey began for her too, this aching, lovely mess that we are. I love you Rosa. So much more than words. You have weathered much of the hard stuff with me and I love you for it and am grateful you shine like you do. God has surely covered your days, I know teen moms mess up and you were the 1st. Too much today for words.

August 27, 2013 
     They get up in the semi dark. New shoes lined up, fresh socks pulled on. The pan gets heated for the boys eggs. Cereal bowls are filled. The hair basket is emptied. Detangle spray spritzes into blond curls and long braids. Book-bags are ready with supplies, carefully selected by mom and sorted in piles. The camera snaps the 1st day photo's. I step outside with them and breath in this new day. The dew is heavy, sunlight streams over the trees. We rally in a circle on the sidewalk holding hands and I pray over them and with them and for them and this new year. They run for bikes and race me up the drive. She flashes by on her bike calling "kiss you at the top mom!" as her zebra shoes peddle by. The baby runs to me his backpack almost knocking him over and his arms go around me for the last baby hug, he kisses me and my heart does that crazy mom ache because he is my last and it went so fast and I will miss him. I feel him burrow into me, his orange t-shirt and his cool camo shorts and his new "army" haircut and I think I might bust wide open, but I don't, instead I choose laughter and I run with him arms swinging to the end of the drive. Very soon that yellow bus careens around the corner and they are gone off down the road. Leaving me. I walked fast this morning. Fast so I won't break and fast so my heart beats like it should and fast so tears don't leak. Go with God little people. Shine babies shine. I know you do. I sing this morning my breathe coming in puffs,... " Bless the Lord, O my soul, Worship His holy name! Sing like never before O my soul. I'll worship Your holy name, The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning It's time to sing Your song again Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me Let me be singing when the evening comes....Amen.

These are for you sisters of mine who are not on FB. Pieces of me and my life. Searching for goodness always.